A Giant Problem
by Silapenniel 08
Summary: Something I came up with in Maths lessons last year... Sick Humour. It's my first published fic so R&R please! Malfoy's come up with a rather sick way of making money and no it's not what you think. Next Chapter up!
1. Chapter 1

A Giant Problem

Chapter 1

"Gather round everyone! Come and see the Hairy Giant doing only as nature intended! The prices are as follows: 2 sickles for Third Years and above and 6 sickles for First Years and Second Years," Draco shouted before he briefly broke away from the magical megaphone to contend with the gaggle of students forcing money at him excitedly.

Harry, Ron and Hermione, having just left Charms, descended the marble stair case into the Entrance Hall only to be met by a manic crowd of students.

"There's not a Hogsmeade visit today, is there?" enquired Harry, looking puzzled.

"No, I don't think so," replied Hermione, once again showing her ability to know absolutely everything. They moved further into the sea of students, who were chatting excitedly amongst themselves without being able to suppress their laughter.

"There's definitely not a Hogsmeade visit," exclaimed Ron, "look at them all, they're mostly First and Second Years."

Harry looked around him. Ron was right, nearly all of the students crowded round Malfoy's podium couldn't be more than 12 or 13 with the exception of a few occasional Third Years. "I wonder what he's up to," said Harry, thoughtfully, "what do you reckon Hermione?"

Hermione didn't seem to be paying any attention. "I see Malfoy still hasn't managed to learn the Sonorus Charm," she commented bitterly and directed an icy glare at him as he started to speak into the magical megaphone once more. "But then again, Ron still hasn't mastered it…"

At the mention of Ron, Harry suddenly noticed that his friend had vanished.

"Hermione? Ron's gone! Did you see where he went?" he said in surprise. Hermione rolled her eyes and jerked her head in the direction of Malfoy. Ron appeared to be struggling towards him through the crowd. Unfortunately, they lost sight of him as some rather disturbed looking Fifth Years blocked their view.

"He can't be talking to Malfoy surely…" wondered Hermione aloud. Only moments later though their questions were answered as a rather breathless Ron arrived beside them, a devilish grin on his face. He took a moment to catch his breath before proudly waving three tickets in front of his friends' faces.

"Did you buy those from Malfoy?" asked Hermione in a tone of obvious disgust.

Harry peered round Hermione to read the tickets, while Ron snorted, "As if I'd speak to that git voluntarily! Well, I do occasionally, just to piss him off you know… But, no, I didn't buy them from him. I haggled with some First Years instead. I think I got a rather good bargain." Hermione continued to eye both Ron and the tickets with severe distaste.

"What on Earth made you think, Ron, that I would want to watch Hagrid and Madame Maxime doing who knows what!" she hissed.

"Oh, lighten up Hermione!" smiled Ron jovially, "These are good seats- front row too! Which reminds me, you two owe me 1 sickle and 5 knuts each."

Both Harry and Hermione raised their eyebrows at him. "Well it can't hurt that much I suppose", admitted Harry, "though I do think you're pretty sick for wanting to watch, mate." This comment was obviously directed at Ron. Hermione, however, still seemed reluctant.

"Oh, please Hermione! It'll be a bit of gross fun, you know?" pleaded Ron, "and we haven't had any real fun in ages." Hermione's eyebrows rose even higher at Ron's mention of the word 'fun'.

"Don't get yourself too excited, Weaslebee," drawled Malfoy, who had just chosen that moment to arrive next to them, obviously to see how they were reacting to the event he had organised, "soon enough you'll be begging me on bended knee for a refund and a memory modification."

"No, I want a refund now, Malfoy!" announced Hermione, while trying to wrestle the tickets from Ron, "I refuse to watch this abominable exploitation! What would happen if Dumbledore caught you?"

"It's not going to happen. All of the teachers are watching the Ravenclaw VS Hufflepuff match. A waste of time if you ask me… Anyway, have fun, Weaslebee, Potty and Mudblood!" And with that he left, presumably to sell more tickets to innocent First Years.

"Please, Hermione." said Harry, giving her what he hoped was a pleading look, "Besides it's rather unlikely that Hagrid wouldn't notice crowds of students laughing and gawking in on him 'entertaining' Madame Maxime."

Hermione snorted derisively at this comment and chose not to reply. Ron was not impressed. He rolled his eyes. "Whatever. Me and Harry are still going. I mean it's not exactly everyday that Hagrid scores, is it?"

Hermione, looking defeated sighed and said, finally, "Well, I suppose just a peek can't hurt can it?"

"That's taken care of, then," smiled Harry, as they started making their way out the Entrance Hall and into the dim moonlight and brisk wintry breeze.

As they wrapped their cloaks tightly around them and headed in the direction the rest of the crowd was going, Ron started grinning uncontrollably. He turned to look at his friends and said, "Imagine the look on Old Dumbledore's face if he walked in on Hagrid and Madame Maxime doing the dirty?"

As disgusting as the idea was, Harry and Hermione couldn't help but burst out in fits of laughter as they both envisaged the scene for themselves.

"But you don't think we'll actually see anything, though?" pondered Hermione aloud, completely serious.

Ron snorted while Harry raised an eyebrow at her as they continued along the frosty grounds toward Hagrid's hut.

"Of course we'll see _something_," answered a familiar voice from behind them that belonged neither to Harry or Ron.

All three of them whirled round immediately.

"Ginny!" squawked Ron indignantly on discovering the speaker's identity, "Why aren't you watching Quidditch? You're far too young to be coming to this sort of… event!"

Ginny simply snorted and tossed her hair, "I came to see if the rumours are true of course and it's gotta be better than that pathetic excuse for a Quidditch match. Besides I'm sure the others don't have a problem with me coming along, right?"

Harry and Hermione shook their heads and Ron rolled his eyes. "Fine," he said, "but you'll have to sit next to me so I can cover your eyes at any unsuitable bits."

Now it was Ginny's turn to roll her eyes. "Whatever you say, _Ronald_. It'll be you that needs your eyes covering more than anyone."

Ron chose not to reply, instead the group continued towards Hagrid's hut in an air of nervous excitement. On their way they passed First and Second Years, who, when Ron questioned them, either laughed or simply shook their heads with pale faces.

On arriving outside the hut, they were met by a crowd of other students, presumably with their tickets already bought, and Crabbe and Goyle who appeared to be in charge of sending students through a barrier in groups of five. Every now and then, students would return through the barrier muttering things about "therapy" and "drastic memory modifications".

"If anyone wants to head back to the castle now, I won't hold it against you," said Harry feebly with a nervous smile.

"You aren't scared are you, Harry?" asked Ginny disbelievingly.

But he only shook his head and avoided making eye contact with his friends.

"This is all your fault!" Hermione burst out, turning on Ron.

"So?" he huffed, "I only wanted to see whether Malfoy was lying or not and hopefully he'll get caught soon as well. Kill two birds with one stone, you know?"

The queue was moving extremely slowly and as it got shorter, the four of them grew more and more anxious.

They had just reached the front of the queue, when they noticed Luna approaching them from the Quidditch pitch.

"What's going on?" she asked while giving them her usual dazed smile, "How come none of you are watching the Quidditch match? It's a decent game, you know…"

"We're here to watch Hagrid getting lucky with Madame Maxime," said Ron with a smirk.

Luna looked puzzled and looked around, confused, "How's he going to get lucky? You mean that Madame Maaxime has bought him a Manticore egg or something?"

The gang automatically exchanged shifty glances and it took extreme will-power for Ron to prevent himself laughing. Hermione straightened in a business-like manner, "Tell you what, Luna," she said, "I don't think I want to watch anymore, so why don't you take my ticket? That way you can see what all the fuss is about." Before waiting for Luna's reply, Hermione thrust her ticket into Luna's hand and started jogging back up towards Hogwarts castle.

"Chicken," muttered Ron.

"Don't worry," said Ginny with a wicked grin, "I'm sure you'll be able to give her a blow-by-blow account when we get back."


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Harry was starting to look faintly ill; his face appeared to be turning paler by the minute.

"Hey, Harry!" said Ginny, waving a hand in front of his face, "Are you okay? You don't look so good…"

"He's cracking under the anticipation, Ginny!" chuckled and amused Ron.

The last group was returning through the barrier and a disappointed looking Second Year announced, "Boring! I've seen my parents doing worse!" The rest either looked in a state of shock or were having hysterics.

"Yay! We're next!" squeaked Ron, almost bouncing in excitement, "About time too…"

"Urgh, I think I'm gonna be sick already." Mumbled an almost-green Harry and he tried to back out of the queue. Unfortunately for him, Ginny noticed and elbowed him back in line. As they passed the barrier, there was a sign which said (in glowing green ink):

"BEWARE! THE EVENT YOU ARE ABOUT TO WITNESS IS OF A HIGHLY DISTURBING NATURE. NOT SUITABLE FOR PUPILS WITH NERVOUS DISORDERS OR HEART CONDITIONS. BE VERY CERTAIN YOU ARE ABLE TO HANDLE THE OBSCENE CONTENTS OF THIS 'MIRACLE OF NATURE' BEFORE YOU ENTER. WE CANNOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY OFFENCE, ANGUISH ETC., THAT THIS MAY CAUSE AND WE DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES OFFER REFUNDS. HOWEVER, IF THIS EVENT LEAVES YOU WITH UNPLEASANT MENTAL SCARRING, WE OFFER MEMORY MODIFICATION CHARMS AT THE ADDITIONAL COST OF 4 SICKLES. REMEMBER: YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!"

Before Harry had chance to fully read the sign though, Goyle had ushered him, Ron, Ginny, Luna and a random Third Year through the barrier and around the back of Hagrid's Hut. He stopped them when they were facing the back wall of the house. He took out his wand, grunted an inaudible incantation and conjured a mysterious window in front of them.

"You can see them, but they can't see you," he said, "Enjoy!"

And with that, he left them and returned to the front of the hut.

Everyone's attention slowly and cautiously returned to the magical window facing them.

"So," murmured Luna, eagerly, "Where's that Manticore egg?"

No one answered the question and her voice echoed into the gathering darkness. Nobody moved or made a sound. They were all staring fixatedly at what was unfurling before them in the magical window. Harry's insides squirmed uncomfortably and threatened to expel his dinner. Ron was wearing an expression of utmost disbelief, while Ginny was in near hysterics. Luna, meanwhile, was shifting around behind Harry, trying to get a better view. The Third Year, however was evidently not enjoying what he was seeing, as he abruptly got to his feet, ran behind a bush and was violently sick.

After a minute's silence, Ron said, in a voice of mingled disgust and excitement, "Hermione has no idea what she's missing!"

Through the magical window, inside Hagrid's bedroom, if you could call it that, was a very disturbing sight: two huge bodies, tangled and intertwined underneath Hagrid's enormous bedsheets.

It was then that Harry realised, with disgust, why Hagrid hadn't noticed crowds of students hanging round outside his house.

There was a dullthud behind them which made Ginny and Luna gasp. Turning round, Harry noticed that the Third Year had collapsed in a heap on the grass.

"I'm guessing he had a nervous disorder then," laughed Harry.

"Or a heart condition," added Ginny with a chuckle.

"Well, whatever his problem," proclaimed Luna, "without a doubt he'll need his memory modified." And she strode over to the slumped figure purposefully, bent over him and whispered, "Obliviate."

"Looks like you just saved him 4 sickles," said Ginny, her eyes still on Hagrid's bed, "but I'd wake him up as well."

"Do you want to do that?" asked Harry, "or should I? Seeing as you're too engrossed in Hagrid's bedroom activities…" He moved to kneel down next to Luna by the Third Year. "Enervate," he muttered and the boy's eyes fluttered openand looked around wildly. Harry quickly checked to make sure that the magical window was blocked from view.

"Er, where am I?" asked the Third Year, warily.

"You were erm…" Harry looked around at his friends for help.

"Sleepwalking," prompted Luna.

"Yeah, you were sleepwalking, lucky we found you eh? Why don't you run off back to the castle?" Harry gave him a gentle nudge in the right direction. The boy didn't need telling twice. With a last, very confused look behind him, he headed back up to the school, full sprint.

"Er, guys?" chuckled Ginny, "if anyone's going to need a free memory

charm, I think it's Ron."

Harry and Luna glanced away from Ginny to look at Ron. Both of them grinned. Ron was wearing an expression similar to that of a goldfish; his eyes were bulging and he was opening and closing his mouth, while making unusual gulping sounds, almost as if he were trying to say something.

The hairs on the back of Harry's neck suddenly prickled and he suddenly felt as though something was not quite as it should be.

"You know what?" he said in an urgent whisper, "I think we've stayed long enough. We really should go back to the castle."

"But we haven't had our full fifteen minutes yet!" exclaimed Luna.

"I think Potter is right, you have stayed long enough," said an unmistakeably familiar voice.

They all spun round rapidly to come face-to-face with Professor Snape with Professor McGonagall not far behind him. Upon seeing their teachers they all grouped together in a tight huddle in order to block out the window from the teachers' sight.


End file.
